Why do women paint their nails?


Regular readers will know, I hope, how much this column appreciates correspondence. It’s you, the little people, who make this all worthwhile, I say, tearfully clutching my Oscar. So, believe me when I say that it does cause me pain to criticise the questions I receive, but, as celebrities are so fond of saying these days, I must live my truth. No one ever said being a journalist was easy. So, David, if I seem harsh in my reply, do not take it personally. You are merely the Watergate to my Woodward and Bernstein, and I must expose what’s really going on here.
The slightly awkward thing, though, is that I’ve dealt with this particular issue – why women do a thing even if men don’t find it attractive – in this column many times before. And yet, strangely, it seems that not every single man on the
planet has received my truth. Why, only last week, a chap on a different, far inferior newspaper wrote, in regards to fashion’s fondness for skinny models: “They are not attractive to men or, surely, to women. Why then does this continue?”
It’s hard not to enjoy that what this male columnist seems to find most outrageous about extremely thin models is that they don’t turn him on. Fingers crossed this becomes a running series in which we find what shape of women really
does get his engine going! (Ideally silent ones, presumably, given that he apparently couldn’t be bothered to ask a single woman for her view on the subject, but was instead reliably guided by his own hormones.) So, as you can see, I have
to keep repeating this truth over and over.For future reference, chaps, here is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to some things women do that are not about you:

Painting their nails or not painting their nails
Being thin or not being thin
Wearing high heels or not wearing high heels
Wearing makeup or not wearing makeup
Wearing dresses or wearing jeans
Cutting their hair short or keeping it long
Caring about fashion
Getting drunk
Having opinions
Disagreeing with you
Existing on this planet

Perhaps you are sensing a message here? Am I being too subtle? Fine, I’ll spell it out: not everything a woman does is to turn men on. In fact, I’m going to go further and say the vast majority of things a woman does in a day have absolutely
zero to do with you. Sorry! Sure, sometimes a lady wants to look pretty, and she’ll make some kind of effort – for some, this means makeup, for others it is putting on a favourite dress. But it does not follow that every time every woman
wears heels or eyeshadow, she is trying to turn you on.Women do things for the same reason you do things: to please themselves. Sometimes to impress their friends, occasionally to impress other women, but mainly for themselves.
Because they are humans, not fembots put on this planet purely to tantalise you. What’s that you’re shouting? Some kind of Dawkins-lite evolutionary argument about how all humans are programmed to pursue sex at all times because the
human species depends on it blah blah blah? Two-word response to that: cargo shorts. You know perfectly well that cargo shorts will not help you in your pursuit of sex, and you know this because women – including this woman – have told
you how ugly they are. And yet, you continue to wear them, because you like them. Just like women wear things you don’t like. Case, I do believe, closed.I slept with someone two days ago and they haven’t called me since. Should I call
Everyone on the planet, at some point in their livesOh, humans, what sweet little misguided souls you are. Because we’ve all been here, haven’t we? Your fingers hovering above the number in your contacts list, wondering how you can call
and make it sound ever so casual. I once called someone and when he answered I pretended I had dialled him by accident (cunning plan!) so was then all, “Oh! I must have butt dialled you!”, thereby achieving the amazing double feat of
making him think of my butt and forcing him to speak to me. It really is astonishing I remained single until I was 35.The thing to remember, dear people, is that you don’t actually want to call this person. You want them to call you, which is
pretty much the opposite of you calling them. You know all this. You know this.The real question you need to ask yourself is why you want to spend your time with someone so thoughtless they don’t even call you the next day, someone who
you have to trick to talk to you. Because, dear readers, all of you, everywhere, are worth more than that.


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