Spicing up your Sex Life


Your body is a gift to you and to whoever you share it with. One of the greatest gifts that it gives us and our sexual partners is the gift of sensory pleasure. When it comes to pleasure through sex, there are many ways of maximising this. Gone are the days when women were supposed to just lie there, as passive receivers with no interest in sex. What does it mean for today’s woman to be on top? It can mean many things: being on top of things, being on top in terms of a sexual position, initiating sex, and so on. Here we mean all of this in order to be actively involved in experiencing sexual pleasure, be it alone, or with a man or another woman.
Love your body

Before we get to the nitty gritty of the sexual position, we need to get a few things clear. Many women are ashamed of their bodies, particularly their genitals. There is nothing to be ashamed about. No two vulvas are alike, and each one is beautiful, with its outer and inner lips, clitoris and vagina variously sized and coloured. The clitoris that lies near where the inner lips meet has sensation as its only function. Imagine that! It is a woman’s most sensitive sexual organ. So, make friends with your clitoris and learn to love your vulva. The vagina secretes its own lubrication and has its own distinctive smell. There is nothing dirty about it as long as you pay attention to basic hygiene. Water is enough-there is absolutely no need for soap,
deodorant or douches, which in fact can damage the delicate chemical balance in the vagina.
Enjoy it!

Sex is mediated through the mind and comfort with one’s own body, including how one’s genitals look, smell and feel, is an important part of being able to enjoy one’s own sensuousness, with or without a partner. Yes, you read right. You don’t need a partner to enjoy sex.

Masturbation is a valid sexual activity and does not cause harm. On the contrary, women who masturbate are familiar with their body, they know what kind of touching turns them on, what pressure or frequency of thrusting they prefer, etc. Many women who have never had an orgasm, do so through masturbation. Speaking of orgasm, there is no one way to orgasm.

Some women orgasm only with a vibrator or with oral sex, some only with vaginal penetration, some with different kinds of stimulation at different times, but whatever it is, each orgasm is as real as any other. And, not having an orgasm is fine too. With all the hype around sex, some people feel they have failed if they do not reach orgasm and put so much pressure on themselves or their partner to have one that it leaches all the fun out of sex.

Stay protected, body and mind

For sex to be fun, it needs to be safe. Safety means safety from infection, unwanted pregnancy, pain or harm as well as safety from abuse. For protection against unwanted pregnancy, there is a wide range of contraceptives available with the condom being the safest.

The regular use of condoms (meaning using a condom every time) offers protection both from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections including HIV. Other contraceptives, such as the pill, do not protect one from sexually transmitted infections.

Using a condom can add to the fun too, with the variety of flavoured, scented, textured, vibrating and even glow-in-the-dark condoms that are available. Try new ways of getting your male partner to wear one, including using your mouth to put it on him (go to YouTube for instructions).

For oral sex with a woman, you can use a square piece of latex cut out of a condom or a piece of cling film (the thin plastic film used for wrapping food). If you are sharing sex toys like vibrators or dildos, please put a fresh condom on to it before the other person uses the toy.

Emotional and physical safety

Means that a No is a No and is understood to be so. Consenting to one sexual act does not imply consent to all acts, and if any person in the sexual encounter wants at any stage to stop, that must be respected, or else what started out as fun can soon turn into a nightmare in real life.

Ok, so we have dealt with the more prosaic stuff of hygiene and safety. What comes next? Whether you are having sex alone, with a sex toy or with a man or another woman, there are ways to vary or increase the kind of stimulation you receive. The on top position is one of the easiest and most versatile for this. By being on top, and by bending forward or backward, you can control the amount and kind of clitoral stimulation you receive.

If you are having penetrative sex (whether penetration is by a penis, tongue, fingers or sex toy), the angle and depth of penetration are largely in your control. Being on top also allows you to regulate the frequency and speed of thrusting. If with a partner, you could be facing forward or backward, that is towards your partner’s face or feet, and you could be in bed or on a chair or wherever it is comfortable for both of you.

Being on top means that you are able to set the pace in more ways than one, both literally as well as figuratively. If you have sex with a partner, it is a shared act. This means that you get to take the initiative as well, deciding on where, when and how you want to have sex, when you want to act flirty or coy or slutty, and even when you want to just lie there doing nothing!

Try new stuff-new sexual acts, new positions.

Experiment with new locations at home-the kitchen counter, the dining table, etc.

Get intimate at different times of the day-as busy people, you will need to schedule that!

Play with toys. Yes, there are sex toys for both women and men. Also, feather dusters can be really handy!

Be playful, not serious about sex. The idea is to have fun, not to tick off another item from your to-do list.


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