I don’t want to dilute the magical presence of her soul


I lost my eldest sister to breast cancer in August 2010 and life hasn’t been the same since then. It hasn’t changed in smaller ways as in I still do most of things I did when she was around but it has changed in many unspoken ways. There are some people I met after she left me but I still haven’t gathered the familiarity to discuss her with them. I feel sharing anything about her will lessen whatever little I hold her of her closest to me. I don’t share anything about her with anyone, not even my family. Sometimes I doubt if there is anyone here who knows exactly how I feel when I think about her.

Mostly numb and alone, but I also feel angry, hurt, unlucky and unhappy. I still feel how I could’ve done things differently for her to stay back. I could’ve researched more and approached some other doctor or tried some alternative medicine. I still feel I could’ve done so much more. There are times when that particular day runs through my mind and I try and remember every small detail so that it doesn’t slip through the space I have left untouched … only for her! Amongst the four of us, I guess she was the closest to me and would proudly claim me to be her daughter most of the time. But we were like these two best friends most of the time – partying on weekends, fighting over chores, having our own like secrets and shopping like mad. We weren’t like two sisters staying together, we were more like roommates – sharing everything one moment and then fighting over silly things the other times. Life was fun when we were together. But I have to admit, we had our share of misunderstandings too. She being the elder one would want to boss around and I being the rebellious one wouldn’t give in and then there would be calls to parents to sort things and drill some sense in the other one. At the end, it was always us!
 At times I smile at the happy times I remember we spent together. There are so many memories – happy and sad – and she is distinctly a part of each of them. I look back at them fondly but never dare to share it with anyone for I fear that it might just dilute its magical effect and make it sound very normal for it isn’t! To everyone else it might seem that I have moved on and gotten over her but the truth remains, I haven’t moved on and I haven’t gotten over her. I have just let time take its due course and what I am today is not because I wanted to be here without her but only because the times are so! I am now married and have a kid and you know what is my biggest regret that she is not here to see my son or tell me that how much she loves him. She definitely would’ve loved him. So I have promised myself one thing that even though my son hasn’t seen her but he will always know who w

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