I am an 18-year-old woman and have had two sexual partners. My current boyfriend is loving, passionate, not at all selfish, and would do anything to make me orgasm. However, I can’t find the mental stimulation that turns me on enough. I can orgasm with porn or when masturbating alone, but not with him. I feel very ashamed and embarrassed about it.

Orgasm is often elusive if one makes it the primary goal. Both you and your partner are currently extremely goal-oriented – for different reasons. He is overly invested in achieving your orgasm for you, and this is putting pressure on you. This impasse will not improve without a complete motivational switch.

Talk to him about the need to let go of expectations for both of you, and let him know that you thoroughly enjoy sex with him, with or without orgasm. During love-making, eliminate the anxiety of any kind of goal, and change your focus to a relaxed, simple enjoyment of sensations in the moment. Instead of a race to the winning post, make lasting pleasure your main goal.

Be more playful, connected and creative. As part of that, you could consider experimenting with role-playing, toys, or whatever type of play helps to bridge the gap between your fantasy material and reality. Some people find that banning climaxing for several weeks can be illuminating and very rewarding. Try it if you dare.