I am pregnant and have an inactive sex life because of that. I can see that my husband looks at me with pity now and I hate that look on his face. That’s also the reason I don’t tell him about the discomfort I am feeling most of the times. He has started coming home late and I see his check ins with his friends often – both male and female. I am feeling a lot of anger towards him because he doesn’t even go for regular check ups with me. I am managing my work, home and everything else alone. I often feel that I will be better off without him. He is making me lose my confidence and that’s making me more interested in other men around me who take so much care- whether I have eaten, how I am traveling etc. These are my colleagues and some old friends. I feel like a desperate someone who desperately wants a man to make her feel good. What should I do?

Answer by Nayamat Bawa: Hi. Thank you for writing in your query. I must appreciate all that courage and efforts that you have put in your marriage. Marriage is a life changing experience and each one has certain expectations from their spouse. You do seem to have very different expectations from this marriage, which is leading to the frustration that you feel.

Perhaps you are not very comfortable in your current home environment and one of the reasons for this could be not being mentally prepared for the same. I can imagine how difficult it can be to live with strangers when you are newly married. However, at this point in time, there are other factors that should be considered like your relationship with your husband, his attitude towards you and also how things are between the two of you baring his friends. Also, we need to understand if there are any other reasons for your husband to not take up an independent flat like financial issues, difficulties in getting a house, shifting etc. I am sure you would find this much deeper rooted than the just plain comfort of living with friends.

While I would surely suggest that you communicate with your husband about this but it seems that he is closed about making conversations around shifting out. This can be adding to the frustration that you feel as this is looming high in your mind for obvious reasons and avoidance just makes you feel uncared for. Approaching the topic directly might make him defensive which will be hurtful for you, instead try understanding his situation that seems to be compelling him to be here in the first place. For eg. If you ask “Why do we have to stay here?” chances are that he would avoid the topic. Instead of making conversations that are not direct but yet give you a holistic picture will be more helpful.

I also see this as a point of conflict not just between you and your husband but also an internal conflict. In this situation, you might have negative thoughts like “why is your husband not able to see your point of view?” “Does he not value his marriage as much as his friendship?” “What wrong have you done in the relationship?” You would be looking for answers here and these thoughts are surely detrimental to the relationship.

This, for now, seems to be your prime focus and not getting your way will have a negative impact on you. I feel it is important that you look at being self-reliant here. Think of ways in which you can engage yourself so that these thoughts become just a background noise. Look out for jobs that can help you use your time more constructively. Have a fixed routine each day where physical activity is a must. This will also boost your confidence and also deviate your focus onto yourself.

On the relationship, front spends quality time with your husband. Avoid using all the time you get with him talking about your discontentment. Instead, build on positive experiences with him. Plan for pleasurable activities in whatever time he wants to spend with you. Avoid situations where you feel that he chooses his friends and being with them over you.
I am sure things will fall into place with the right kind of efforts. If you feel stuck you can always take help from a marriage counsellor or a psychologist.