Initiating sex can be hot AF, but, if we’re being totally honest, we usually leave it up to dudes to get the ball rolling.
But…we actually don’t know why. According to Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., Astroglide’s resident sex and relationships expert, that’s not uncommon at all—and there are a ton of reasons why men usually make the first move. First, there’s the fact that we just tend to take on more, leaving us feeling completely wiped (and not exactly in the mood) by the end of the day, when your S.O. may be feeling the opposite.
Plus, women are also programmed to want to feel desired, and being pursued sexually ties into that, says O’Reilly. And then, of course, there’s the fact that most men are total horndogs. “Research suggests that men think about sex more often than women, so it follows that they may seek it out more frequently,” says O’Reilly. (Obviously, she points out, everyone is different and some women have higher sex drives than lots of men. It’s just that, on average, dudes want to get it on more often.)
Because that’s a fact we’re all well aware of, we tend to think that if our partner was in the mood, he’d let us know. “This, of course, isn’t necessarily the case,” says O’Reilly. “Men aren’t always comfortable initiating sex and they aren’t always in the mood for sex either—sometimes you need to help put him in the mood.”
Flipping the script on your standard “are we going to get down or not?” routine can pay off big time, says O’Reilly. Not only will it make your guy feel more desired, when you both initiate sex you have more sex—and then everybody wins. But, O’Reilly says, the biggest perk of playing the seducer (besides all of the sex) is the empowerment that comes with it. Woo for girl power!
Sold? Here’s how to actually do it, courtesy of O’Reilly:
1. Be Demanding
Grab your guy and tell him what you want. “Tell your partner to get on their knees, climb on top, or strip naked in the kitchen,” says O’Reilly. Not only does this give him a clear guide of what to do, it gives you exactly what you have a hankering for. “You’ll likely get more of what you want when you initiate,” says O’Reilly. “You set the mood, choose the location, and set the pace.”
2. Take It to Text
Send your guy a text when you know he’s wrapping up for the day to give him a taste of what’s to come. You can do it with words (“Come find me when you get home. I’ll be in the bedroom…;)”) or via a sexy close-up pic, like one of your lacy bra peeking out of your low-cut top. Not that your man would share, of course, but leave your face out of it, just to be safe.
3. Drop Some (Totally Obvious) Hints
Leave a sexy prop, like the vibe you like to use together or warming lube, on his pillow to signal your interest. If he asks you about it, just wink…and then go for it. “One study found that men are four times as likely to see sex as an act of love,” says O’Reilly, so really, you’re boosting your bond while getting some.
4. Dress the Part
Slip lacy or fishnet thigh highs under your normal clothes and give your guy a peek. You can either do this before you leave the house to draw things out or cash in your chips right away. “Initiating sex can be exciting, because of the fear of the unknown,” says O’Reilly. “This excitement helps to reignite the chemical spark you felt in the early days with your partner.” Also, pretty much everyone feels hot in fishnets—it’s just how it is.
5. Play Masseuse
The whole massage/happy ending thing is a fantasy for a lot of guys, so play it out at home. Offer to give your guy a rubdown, and then slooowly work your way south until you end up massaging his inner thighs. You’ve got it from there. (And if you don’t, check out these BJ tips.) Setting the stage this way helps put him in a giving mood and gives you a serious boost in sexual self-esteem because he’s literally putty in your hands, says O’Reilly.
6. Take Your Kissing Down South
Sure, you always give him a kiss when you meet up at home after work and zzz… Kick it up a notch by reaching down and brushing your fingers against his inner thighs. The key is to be gentle here, says O’Reilly, which is way hotter for both of you than simply grabbing a handful of his junk.
So, there you have it. This should keep you both busy for a while…